Monday, February 22, 2010

Mario, Sasquatch Lovechild - Revealed!

After last weeks unfortunate kidnapping of the entire staff of this publication by the lovechild of Mario and Sasquatch - caused solely by a misunderstanding involving lettuce - we here at Gaming Laid Bare Times feel compelled to report on this truly shocking turn of events.

Once the creature had released us from captivity, and apologized profusely for the mistake that it had made, we rushed to the keyboard to report on what we had seen.

The giant, hairy, forest bound creature wore a red hat emblazoned with an S. Throughout the entire ordeal, we felt as though it reminded us of something. It wasn't until the creature, who was perfectly pleasant in every respect, other than the whole keeping us prisoner thing, noticed it looking at the cap.

"It's all I've got to remember my father by," it told us. "All mom told us was that he was a mustachioed plumber from a far away place. Said he popped out of a green pipe in the middle of the forest and started rooting through the undergrowth for mushrooms. Told me that there was something appealing about the short little man."
Questions raced through our minds. How did a pipe from the mushroom kingdom end up in an ordinary forest? Why did Mario Mario show up there and then? Sasquatch is a female? What, exactly, are the logistics involved in the two different species mating?

The fact that the Sasquatch that held us bore no other similarities to the famous Italian plumber didn't faze us in the least. After all, the thing assured us that the story was entirely true. Anyone, even hardhearted journalists such as ourselves, couldn't see anything but honesty in those dark, savage eyes.

We attempted to contact Sasquatch for comment on the story, but were unable to catch more than a glimpse of the historically evasive figure.

Mario Mario, of course, has been on the run since going crazy after a Fire Flower addiction took him down hard, so was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Normal Service Will Resume Next Week

The entire Gaming Laid Bare Times staff has been kidnapped by the love child of Mario and Sasquatch. We understand that they are also being guarded by Bat Boy.

Normal Service will resume next week.

Friday, February 12, 2010

With New Fable III Screens, Videos, Comes New Promises

Peter Molyneux, famed Lionhead Studio developer who's had his hand in the Black and White series, and the Fable series, spoke out about the third game in the Fable series today. On top of revelations that the game will not feature a HUD, as well as a slew of new screenshots and videos, Peter spoke to us about another few more features he is putting in his latest oeuvre.

"Not only will you be a king in this new game," the maker of broken promises told us, "and not only are we not cluttering up the screen with silly things like health bars, but we're going all out with this new game. You won't have seen anything like this before."

"Everyone knows you'll be a king in this one. That you'll be responsible for making some pretty hefty moral decisions. But what no one knows, or knew until this point anyway, is that your actions in game will have some pretty hefty real world consequences. We've rounded up a bunch of homeless people, and stuck them in period sets. Depending on how you act in the game, we'll either treat them well, or send hundreds of plague written rats through the crowds."

"And every time that you get to a loading screen, you'll be able to see how your own personal group of homeless bums are doing. And that's only the tip of the iceberg!"

We had to admit that this is the most imaginative claim that Mr. Molyneux has made about one of his games, as well as perhaps one of the more confusing.

We would have asked him more questions regarding this probably highly illegal and demented plan, but honestly, sitting around so much pure, unfiltered bullshit, caused every member of our team to have a brain storm.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

CoPACABANA Speaks Out Against Bioshock 2

The CoPACABANA (The Concerned Parents Against Children Acting In Bioshock And not Normal Activities) released a statement today, declaring that they would like to see the newly released Bioshock 2 as well as its older brother, Bioshock, pulled from shelves today.

Keneth Berly, a spokesperson for CoPACABANA, told us that the group is concerned that proper steps are not being taken to protect the Little Sisters from the game.

"We are not as concerned about the to-harvest or not-to-harvest mechanic in the game, to be honest," Mr. Berly told us. "What we are more concerned about is that proper steps have not been taken to ensure that these little girls, after spending hours running around with men in big metal suits and draining ADAM from corpses, will not be able to return to anything resembling a normal life."

The main problem, noted in a release from the organization, is that they wish to ensure that the Little Sisters do not fall into the trap that many child stars fell into. They feel that 2K, the organization behind the production of the game, have not put specific safeguards into place to make sure that the little girls in question do not fall victim to being in the limelight.

"We have to know," Mr. Berly continued, "that they have a plan to ensure that these innocent children turned into lifeless monsters will not become addicted to ADAM harvesting. Of course, that is only one of the many concerns we know these girls face. Being in the limelight for any amount of time as a child can be very damaging. Just look at any child star. Michael Jackson. That blond kid from the Home Alone movies. None of them had a normal life. And they weren't presented with something addictive right off the bat, now were they?"

We hope that 2K Games has a plan in place for the protection of the Little Sisters, and that it will be to the liking of the CoPACABANA group.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

NIS Report Of Lowered Earnings Causes Gamer Rage

With the news coming out that Nippon Ichi Software, famed for their well rounded and much respected SJRPGs, including the Disgaea series, has seen a major downturn in their profits, comes a fresh bout of gamer rage from the internet.

Filiberto Chappan spoke to us today after reading the news of the financial downturn.

"I can't believe it," he told us, while surfing a well known torrent site. "Why on earth wouldn't more people play those games? I mean, they're all classics, everything that NIS comes out with. Disgaea is a great series. Phantom Brave was great. Ar Tonelico? Get out of here."

We couldn't help but notice that Mr. Chappan was searching out the very titles he was talking about for download, so we had to ask him if he had ever, actually, bought or tried one of the games.

"Well," he said, stuttering, "I mean, no, I never got the chance or anything, and then when I wanted them I couldn't find them. I didn't look too hard, but I kinda wanted them, you know?"

We can only hope that NIS manages to turn their fortunes around, and that jerkoffs like Mr. Chappan open their wallets more often.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Woman Actually Buys PSP Go

Gaming Laid Bare Times has learned today, through a source in a major gaming retailer, that the PSP Go has actually sold one confirmed unit. Unfortunately, the sale was made to a non-gamer mother, who was convinced that the unit was exactly what her little precious wanted.

The seller of the unit confirmed to us that he had, in fact, asked the woman on numerous occasions if she was sure that she wanted to buy the PSP Go. Regardless of the questions, and the tone of disbelief in his voice, she bought the unit.
We at Gaming Laid Bare Times wish we could have interviewed the lady, but unfortunately, she was already gone by the time we heard of the story. If we could have asked her what we wanted to, we would have asked why, exactly, she would spend more money on a hand held that does not have the full catalog of games yet, with a smaller screen, and with a $60 trade in value at certain gaming stores.

We would also recommend that she pick up the far superior PSP 3000, or just leave that side of the fence alone and pick up the far superior Nintendo DS.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Opinion: Games Not Yet Next Gen Until...

In my humble opinion as a video game reporter and critic, gaming can not yet be considered to be next gen. Sure, the graphics have gotten better. The ability to tell the wanted story has improved. The number of enemies on screen has even improved.

However, there is one thing that gaming needs to do so that it can become truly next gen. And that is to render my truly magnificent and luxurious hair in a way that looks realistic.

So, consider this a challenge to all game developers. Until you can render this in a realistic manner, until you can make that look realistic in a game, then you have not succeeded in making a next gen game! So get to it, game devs! Or are you not up to the challenge?

And if you want tips on how to get such magnificent hair, be born with curly hair, grow it out for over a year, and never, ever let a brush near it.