After last weeks unfortunate kidnapping of the entire staff of this publication by the lovechild of Mario and Sasquatch - caused solely by a misunderstanding involving lettuce - we here at Gaming Laid Bare Times feel compelled to report on this truly shocking turn of events.
Once the creature had released us from captivity, and apologized profusely for the mistake that it had made, we rushed to the keyboard to report on what we had seen.
The giant, hairy, forest bound creature wore a red hat emblazoned with an S. Throughout the entire ordeal, we felt as though it reminded us of something. It wasn't until the creature, who was perfectly pleasant in every respect, other than the whole keeping us prisoner thing, noticed it looking at the cap.
"It's all I've got to remember my father by," it told us. "All mom told us was that he was a mustachioed plumber from a far away place. Said he popped out of a green pipe in the middle of the forest and started rooting through the undergrowth for mushrooms. Told me that there was something appealing about the short little man."
Questions raced through our minds. How did a pipe from the mushroom kingdom end up in an ordinary forest? Why did Mario Mario show up there and then? Sasquatch is a female? What, exactly, are the logistics involved in the two different species mating?
The fact that the Sasquatch that held us bore no other similarities to the famous Italian plumber didn't faze us in the least. After all, the thing assured us that the story was entirely true. Anyone, even hardhearted journalists such as ourselves, couldn't see anything but honesty in those dark, savage eyes.
We attempted to contact Sasquatch for comment on the story, but were unable to catch more than a glimpse of the historically evasive figure.
Mario Mario, of course, has been on the run since going crazy after a Fire Flower addiction took him down hard, so was unavailable for comment.